Some days I want to smite yoga right off my list of Main Loves. I never fully understood what people meant when they talked about love-hate relationships until my forays into meditation and Ashtanga yoga. I either like something or I don’t like it, and even though there might be neutral items/people/activities, it’s usually one or the other when it comes to activities I willingly participate in day after day. In relationships, it was always I love you till I hate you. How infantile I was (am, most likely).
During the first year of Ashtanga, I hated it about a third of the time. If I hadn’t hooked up with some people to practice with, I wouldn’t have made it through that period, I’m sure of it. I would’ve tried, I would’ve battled with myself, but in the end, I would’ve given up in frustration, like I gave up on meditation in the past when attempting it on my own. Now at least I can meditate by myself; why not yoga?
Ugh. Is this utter resistance to practice yet another of the traits that makes me special? Do others experience it?
What am I resisting? Change? This sounds too psychoanalysis-ish, but I sense some truth in it. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to be there, on that mat, in that room, by myself. Things could get ugly. . . .
I fight with these practices every step of the way. Thomas Keating says if you’ve been meditating for a while and find you’re struggling with your thoughts a lot, it’s a sign you’ve stopped letting go. Yeah!: because it’s the hardest damn thing in the world for me to do.
A few months ago I told my homeopath I felt like I was clutching onto something so tight, like my whole self was just holding on, refusing to let go. Of what? she wanted to know. I don’t know! Everthing?
Letting go seems to be my task this year. Like a baby who’s reached into a jar of candy, grabbing a handful and curling them tightly into her little fist, I am very unhappy that Daddy is coming along and gently prying open my fingers. Give me this, and this, and this. Every step of the way I bawl, resist, squirm. What now? You want my perfectionism? Self-destructive tendencies? Impatience? All of it? Man, you’re greedy. Can’t I just hold on to this one little morsel called obstinance? No?
Who ever thought it was a good idea to tell God, Your will be done? Aargh. Still, I don’t take it back.
The truth is, I’m not a natural let-goer, I’m a resister–and I am not conscientious (or even conscious) about it. I resist everything I don’t like or don’t feel like doing. I look back to my first post and remind myself, “Doing what comes next without argument is devotion to God.” But, but, but. . . .
Okay, just to balance out the comments about hating yoga, and to be honest, sometimes it does happen while practicing that I am filled with the feeling, I love yoga, I love this practice. It just doesn’t upset me when it happens. Also, after a practice, I almost always think, I love yoga.
I will carry on, practicing with friends and doing my thing at home, even if it is very short–letting go of demanding too much, expecting too much (maybe that is the main lesson here, not whether I manage a full practice). I will not smite yoga off my list of Main Loves. I will be grateful for it (uh-huh).
I’m afraid I’m not a very good example for somebody who might be thinking of taking up Ashtanga (or meditation, or anything else really good for you).
9 comments
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July 11, 2007 at 2:42 pm
yogamum
Okay, weirdly enough I submitted this comment and it appeared on a different post of yours (“Short and Sweet”) You can delete that one if you like.
Anyhow…what I wanted to say here was:
Boy, do I identify with this one! As the Borg used to say on “Star Trek: The Next Generation” : “Resistance is futile. You will be absorbed.” I’m not sure how that applies except that I suppose if we keep practicing, eventually the practice will absorb us and we won’t have to fight so hard. Or something like that.
July 11, 2007 at 2:51 pm
gartenfische
Hmmm, yes I’ve been having trouble for a while now with comments appearing in strange places. Hopefully, they’ll straighten it out; I’ve contacted support about it a couple of times.
I hope you’re right; I would love to be absorbed in that way. Fighting takes a lot of energy and gets old. I ended up getting absorbed by (or I just gave up fighting) meditation and now I can’t live without it.
July 11, 2007 at 5:31 pm
(0v0)
I could be completely wrong-headed in this. My own experience is different in that I am strongly attracted to asana practice and tend to set it off as “more sacred” than the rest of my life… and so often get tripped up on that attachment. But anyway.
What about cultivating a kind of indifference to balance out the love/hate? Presently, your feeling toward practice is kind of a question that you have to answer every day–you’ve almost set yourself up for this. What do I *want* to do today? This is the question of the hour, at least subconsciously.
Do you put that kind of energy into a debate over brushing your teeth? Is there a strong resistance (or delight) that comes up whenever it’s time to do the laundry? Because practices like these have a taken-for-grantedness about them, you’re more *free* to do them. When it comes to asana practice, perhaps if you resign to its place in your routine (some would say surrender?) the stuff that comes up in practice won’t all go away– but it won’t be so much (at least apparently) reactive to the practice itself.
I don’t know if this makes sense. It’s not the kind of advice I’ve ever heard given, but in some sense I think finding a kind of neutrality toward the act of practicing is a good idea.
July 11, 2007 at 7:52 pm
gartenfische
You’re very insightful.
I think I intuitively know that, which is why I decided on “the plan,” to just be on my mat at a certain time every day. I practice meditation every day at the same time, no question, no fight. It’s become part of the routine.
Surrender . . . now there’s a concept! (I told you, I have a hard time letting go–I think I’m even hanging on to THAT.)
I will muse over your suggestion. Maybe if I did the practice right after meditation every day, instead of trying to do it at the end of the day, that would help. Then it would be part of the morning routine.
I wish I just loved the practice, like you do.
July 13, 2007 at 4:47 am
moonymaid
Yeah, this sounds soooo familiar.
I get myself going, I practice for a week or two or a month. As soon as I skip just one day, I never get back to it. Guilt is a plague. I need something to kick my butt hard enough, my own misery most of the time, but as soon as I begin to feel better, balanced and calm, I just drop the practice. Only to find out some weeks later, I’m there again where it all began.
Phew.
This is tough stuff. Resisting things that are actually good for us.
Does it mean we prefer to hold on to the misery rather than the healing. And if so, why is this?
I don’t know anymore how I came upon your blog, but all you writings sound so close to what I’m thinking or feeling. Thank you for being out here
July 13, 2007 at 8:38 am
gartenfische
Moonymaid, isn’t it frustrating–fighting with ourselves over a good, healing practice like yoga? It should be a no-brainer: I practice, I feel good, I don’t practice I don’t feel good, therefore. . . . But no.
Sometimes, I feel like I AM holding onto misery–if not misery, then the status quo–out of habit. Change can be hard, and scary. Especially for someone like me who likes security and control.
If only you had friends you could practice with. I feel so blessed that way. Do you ever use Sharath’s CD? That helps me, but I have to be in a strong, energetic mood, or it’s way too fast. Sometimes I use it after I do the suryanamaskaras and the standing poses, because I have the most trouble as soon as I sit down(!).
July 13, 2007 at 10:53 am
moonymaid
Oh, you have me going there, on that whole control/security thing.
I’m not practicing Ashtanga, it’s mostly home practice for me. I have a routine, but some days I am bored by it and try some new poses or skip some.
And, I’m from faraway Europe, so I actually don’t know what CD you are talking about
Nevertheless, every post you write contanis something that resonates within me.
I added you to my blogroll, hope you don’t mind.
Have a great sunny day
July 13, 2007 at 12:23 pm
When things get ugly « tides and seasons of my secret life
[...] it that far. I’m afraid I’ll break down halfway there. In her post about resistance Gartenfische got me thinking: What am I resisting? Change? This sounds too psychoanalysis-ish, but I sense some [...]
July 13, 2007 at 3:25 pm
gartenfische
Moony, I hope you can find a way to boost your practice. Maybe a video? I know, it’s just hard. Other people’s suggestions can help, but we really have to find a way through it on our own. Sometimes, just knowing others also struggle helps, though.
Sharath’s CD is the Ashtanga Primary Series, so it wouldn’t do for you if you’re not practicing Ashtanga. Sorry about that.
I’m really glad you find meaning in what I write–that means a lot to me. Of course I don’t mind being added to your blogroll! It’s an honor.